Parenting our Adult Child
The road to parenting our adult child begins from the moment that twinkle in the eye becomes an honest to goodness embryo. Often from long before, we have a concept of how we want to parent our child once they are born. The process of becoming a parent concretizes our ideals and theories. And so begins a melding of ideas, influences and memories which grows together with actual practical parenting to form our own very unique style.
There is an abundance of information and ideas available in the media and in traditional paper print to inform, stricture and advise us on how we should behave. There are solutions for every issue that might arise. We can find a plethora of sometimes relevant anecdotes and shared experiences at every turn.
Having overcome the many and various hazards inherent in raising our child to and through school, we are then faced with a far different parenting challenge. Parenting our adult child.
Letting Go
The art of both letting go and looking after our child becomes a whole new ball game once that child becomes a young adult.
The old parenting techniques which stood us in good stead through (most of) our child’s schooldays suddenly appear to become defunct as they morph from child to volatile, private and often inscrutable adult.
Although we may think we know better than our child based on our undeniable decades of prior experience and memories, some of which we might wince to share with our own parents, this is the point at which our wisdom and authority becomes superfluous to our offspring as they assert their need to become an independent adult.
Parenting our Adult Child
Enter an entirely new phase of parenting. Parenting our adult child becomes a minefield of unexpected obstacles. Suddenly all the behaviours we expected or demanded of our children for the preceding teen and childhood years are now expected of us. We now need to knock before entering their private space, respect their opinions and allow them to make their own decisions. Our authority to determine what they wear, what they watch, who they see, where they go and what they do is systematically demolished and dismantled.
The same child who once upon a time confided every triumph and every sorrow now shares little or nothing other than their growing critique of our flaws as people and parents. They have reached that phase in their lives where for them we cease to be merely the parent figure. Instead we become human beings with both good and bad aspects. Where we as older adults may have learned to soften our words or look for less hurtful means of sharing our thought processes, our child simply lets us have it straight.
Our only course of action at this stage is to let our child go, allowing them to increase the emotional distance between us as part of the detachment process they must follow in order to become independent adults.
Safeguarding
At the same time, we still need to continue to safeguard our child where we can. Adopting a non-judgmental and supportive stance will allow the young adult to feel respected and considered, enabling them to one degree or another to share at least some aspect of their lives with us. Asking if we may make a suggestion or give them some input gives our child the opportunity to listen to and perhaps accept advice or ideas without feeling that they are being imposed. Indeed we may only at this stage offer but should not insist, either on being heard or upon our input being adopted.
It is important, it goes without saying, for us to emphasise to our child that whatever decision they may make (whether we agree with it or not), we will continue to support them. This leaves the decision-making process fairly and squarely in their hands, which is of course exactly where it needs to be.
Cutting the Apron Strings
Naturally that letting go is not easy, either for us or for our now adult child. It is a difficult and sometimes painful process as both generations transition into a new phase of life. Either parent or child can struggle to successfully work through the process. The child may need to break free but feel afraid and at the same time resentful of the parent. The parent may have difficulty in letting go as they themselves are moving into a new aspect of their own adulthood but may only recognise the loss rather than the opportunities ahead.
Ideally there is recognition of the processes underway on both sides with mutual respect, love and consideration of each other’s difficulties. In reality, there are often conflicts and struggles as the needs of each become a hurdle in both their paths. It is when this situation escalates until no common ground can be found, that seeking professional help can help to resolve the anxiety and stress that one or both may be experiencing.
The process of detachment and becoming an emotionally and mentally independent being is not an overnight process. However, once our child feels that they have become truly independent, we then have the privilege and blessing of a renewed and fulfilling relationship with them, adult to adult.
While we are waiting for this new and welcome transition our work is to build our own life as an independent parent, whether that is as part of a couple or a solo adult. It is time to explore and develop our own interests and activities. It would be such a shame to immerse ourselves so deeply in our sense of loss that we overlook this world of opportunity.
Overcoming the Fear
As the parent, we need to be sensitive to our adult child’s needs for freedom and autonomy. That same sensitivity to the emotional environment they are living in has also to recognise those moments when our child fears to take a step into the unknown. Rather than respond to the fear (which might be theirs and/or ours) by pulling our child back into their comfort zone (or our comfort zone!) and “keeping them safe”, we need to encourage them to step out and face the situation or challenge in front of them.
The fear may arise in response to the prospect of doing something they have not done before – perhaps attending a job interview or going away to college. We know that this is a situation which our child may have to deal with more than once in their adult life. As parent we need to support them in learning to rise to the challenge in front of them; to enable and empower them to analyse a situation, identify a solution and put into action their own decision.
One such challenge, faced and overcome, becomes the template by which future situations can be met and successfully resolved. Each step taken becomes a confidence builder and a reminder for the young adult that they are capable of functioning well in the outside world.
Our own Transition
We should not forget, either, that in our personal transition we are likely to come face to face with our own challenges and fears. We have the benefit though of previous life experience and hopefully confidence with which to forge a new path in the world. As we step out on that new road, we become less fearful, more curious and resilient. What a wonderful opportunity to experience life.
It is often only when we look back that we realise that our child’s “becoming” has taken place concurrently with our own.
The Ten Commandments of Parenting our Adult Child
We probably all have our own top tips for successfully navigating the choppy waters of parenting our adult offspring, but these go a good way towards looking after the wellbeing of both ourselves and our child:-
1. Contribute ideas or information but don’t command or demand
2. Respect opinions, ideas and feelings
3. Encourage but don’t force
4. Support decisions
5. Be non-judgmental
6. Be objective and don’t manipulate the situation
7. Love unconditionally and be there if needed
8. Set boundaries for your own wellbeing
9. Be clear about what you can or can’t do to support financially or practically
10. Be solid and consistent – keep to commitments or promises
