The Ring of Confidence

So often in life, particularly in our relationships and interactions with work colleagues and acquaintances, we find ourselves reacting to or being triggered by the words and actions of others.  This can have an impact on our feelings of self-worth and value, our confidence, as well as our sense of inclusion in the environments we find ourselves in.  Using the Ring of Confidence can enhance self-esteem and improve relationships with others.

Given that a large proportion of our lives is spent in negotiating interactions with others across many different cultural strata and varying situations, how can we build and maintain resilience, even in circumstances where we feel at odds with others or sense hostility or dislike towards us?

At the end of the day, we can’t always change the perceptions of others around us.  If we want to bring about change then we need to change ourselves first – or at least the way in which we process our experiences and respond to others.  When we change ourselves, we change our world.

The What If Imp

We all know that little inner companion, who spends their time invoking all our worst fears – the What If Imp!  If it can undermine us it will.  We experience this as intrusive thoughts or negative thinking.  This might be around our own abilities and personal qualities or around situations in which we are involved, either at work or in our private lives.  Because the mind seems to be naturally slanted towards self-denigration and assumption of failure, whether through inherited disposition or learned behaviour, we often handicap ourselves.  Dreams, goals and ambitions can seem a long way away, unreachable.  And often we accede defeat before we even start.

Because of that What If Imp, we may misinterpret or react emotionally to what others around us say or do.  We can take it personally.  We feel wounded or misunderstood, perhaps mistreated, even angry.  Our inner dialogue is not in sync with the inner dialogue of the other person.  This can escalate into open friction.

Overlapping Worlds

Each of us has our own unique and individual belief system, comprising the values and lessons we have learned and the experiences we have had up to the present moment.  Imagine, if you will, each of us represented as a little circle on the world’s largest ever Venn diagram. Each circle has its own little world, its own world view and its own inner dialogue.  Sometimes our inner world overlaps with that of the other person.  It may be a good match, so we find affinity with them in many ways, or it may be a poor match or complete mis-match.  Humans are such complex beings it is no wonder that misunderstanding happens.

The Gap

So how can we overcome this?  Something I often ask my clients to do is to try to identify that moment of non-thought, non-action between the stimulus or trigger of an event and the beginning of reaction.  That is the moment at which we are in stasis.  If we can capture that moment – the Gap – we can extend it.  That split second can be expanded to allow us time to think and consider our choice of action.  This defines the difference between reaction and response.  As soon as we have found the Gap it becomes as long, as large as we need it to be.  Rather like Dr Who’s Tardis, it is much bigger on the inside than the outside.

So now you have found the Gap, what exactly are you going to do with it?  It seems such a shame to waste an opportunity to change the outcome of the situation to allow you to walk away feeling good about the way you have dealt with it and good about yourself.

The Ring of Confidence

Now we have found that space between worlds, we can take a moment to remember that the inner dialogue of the other person is all about how they are perceiving the world, the situation, and little if anything to do with our reality – remember those little circles in the Venn diagram.  We don’t have to have access to the other person’s internal dialogue, only to remember that it will be unique to them. When we accept that the other person has a different belief system or world view, we can exercise understanding and compassion for them.  By reflecting on the way in which we sometimes struggle or have to overcome obstacles, we can see that they are doing the same.

This allows us to detach our personal feelings from the situation – it is no longer an attack on us. Rather it is an enactment, a projection of the inner world of the other person, to which we have inadvertently become the audience or a suddenly and unexpectedly recruited extra.  When we see this, we can then release our attachment to the outcome of the situation, whatever it may be.  We understand that the outcome is as a result of different influences rather than simply a direct or targeted judgement on our qualities and abilities or a reflection on us as an individual.

Exercising that compassion and understanding of the other, working through the situation with this approach leaves us able to move on with increased feelings of self-worth and confidence in our own inner strength and resilience, as well as a sense of personal growth.

Self-Perpetuating Positivity

The Ring of Confidence is a self-perpetuating positive cycle, because each time we improve our self-esteem and confidence we become more able to exercise that sense of objectivity and compassion towards the situation and the other person or people involved.  That in turn enhances our confidence and self-worth.